26 November 2013

trust

I keep stopping and starting with blog posts lately. There's one on my love for Christmas despite my disdain for the commercialism that I do intend to complete, and I have to finish reading Winter's Tale before I can get back on to the Shakespeare series. Life intervenes in odd ways.

E. is becoming more active, which requires a different kind of constant attention. She's not so big that she's into things yet, but her favourite thing is standing, which means that someone needs to hold her up. She can't do it on her own, but for her, standing, being able to see farther and to reach out, trusting that she won't fall, is most important. At least until she's hungry again.

That absolute trust she has in us is incredible. She has to trust us to feed her, change her, keep her safe and warm. And we do. We're not always perfect at fulfilling her needs (look at how long it took us to get her enough food to get her growing properly), but we do our best, and that's somehow enough.

I don't know how to trust others like that, so utterly and completely sure that they will be there for me. Not anymore. When do we lose that? When do we learn that others are not perfect, and that we may not be able to trust them?

I know that I can rely on J., but I also know that he can't supply all my needs, nor I his. I trust him deeply, implicitly, without even thinking about it, and yet I know that we will disappoint each other, because we are human.

In my faith, we are told that we must trust God completely, and that to fail to do so can be a failure of faith. Some versions of my religion hold that when bad things happen, it's because we didn't trust God enough, didn't believe enough. We're told to be like children, to have that utter trust.

I'm bad at that. Am I a failure at believing, or is that, when I learned that other people were human, I also learned that the expressions of God in man were flawed? We are human, and even if God dwells within us, we will still fail. I have trespassed against others, I have hurt them, and I have been hurt in turn by others. Is that a failure of faith, or an expression of grace? For I have been healed and uplifted by others, both those of my faith and those not of my faith. When I have fallen, others have helped me to stand.

When I lack trust, and then regain it in one of those sudden moments of grace, I get a glimpse of that child I was, the one who knew that when I fell, someone would catch me.

And now my daughter reminds me, of who I was, and who I strive to become.

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