14 August 2015

grief

Some nights, I dream that she's still here, that she didn't die after all. That she just went away for a bit and then came back, her heart healed so she's finally well again. And those dreams hurt, because I want them to be true.

I want to be able to share things with her. To tell her stories about E. is growing, to tell her what I've been sewing lately, and to apologize for forgetting to call as frequently during these last few years where my life and mind got busy and frantic. I want to see her again. I want to thank her for the friendship with her cousin who lives nearby, something that feels like the last gift she gave me. I want to hug her again. And I can't.

I sort of believe in heaven. And I sort of don't. I want desperately to believe that I'll see her again, that all that she is and was isn't just gone. And I think I believe that. Sometimes. I don't know.

I love you, Grandma. And I wish you were still here.

05 August 2015

ephemera: July's gone already?

I just noticed that it's been about a month since my last post. Apparently I spaced out and forgot I had a blog for a bit. It's been a busy month.

J.'s grandmother has been in hospital for the last couple of months, and we've been visiting her once or twice a week, which involves a drive to the east side of the bridge and all the way out to Abbotsford every time. A few weeks ago, we showed up to find her not doing well at all and we left feeling like she was not long for this world. But she's rallied and is doing a lot better. The difficulty now is that she can't move back in to her apartment at the assisted living facility she's been at since 2006 because they mostly just do meals, cleaning, and laundry, and aren't set up to provide the level of care she now needs. She's going through an evaluation process so they can figure out what she does need, and then she has to wait for a placement at a facility that offers the kind of care she requires. We don't have the space (or the right kind of bathroom) to take her in, assuming she would let us do so; pretty much everyone in the family who would take her doesn't have the right set-up or room to convert to the right set-up. My mother-in-law said that the estimate they were given is that it might be December before she has a placement, and it could be pretty much anywhere in the province. It would be nice if she ended up in our area so we could go visit a couple times a week without worrying about the bridge tolls.

So, we're getting pretty familiar with the Abbotsford hospital these days. E. really likes the chairs and tables they have for children in the atrium, and is wildly excited about all the hand sanitizer. She thinks it's the best thing ever. The elevators with all the giant buttons are also cool. And the gift shop, which is full of stuffed animals, is another popular destination when she tries to run ahead of us.

There's been the usual anxiety and depression for me that varies depending on whether my meds for the day have kicked in yet, and how stressful everything else is. E. had a throat infection last week and was absolutely miserable and didn't sleep well, so I was pretty miserable, too. Two of my closest friends are both going through some really difficult times, so I'm concerned about them, which ups my anxiety levels a bit.

My parents are coming for a visit on Friday, which I'm looking forward to, but that also means that I need to clean everything up (it's really not that bad at the moment, but the kitchen floor looks pretty gross, especially after I made oatmeal cookies today). And I have to do some decluttering, since they're bringing birthday presents for E., J., and I (all our birthdays fall within the same 3 week span), and my grandfather is giving me my grandmother's serger, so they're bringing that up, too. Time to move stuff around and sort through things again. My to-do list tomorrow includes cleaning the bathroom and going to the recycling centre, and possibly sorting through the compartment under the sofa. I was thinking about going to yoga tomorrow night but I doubt I'll be up for an hour-long class by then.

At any rate, I am tired. And I have a cookie that I need to finish eating, so we'll call it good for now and I'll try to remember to post something with actual pictures soon.