kinesis

I realized that it's been a while since I've been here. This is a place for me to write, but a great deal of my writing is not suitable to share here. My fiction stays unposted here because I would like to eventually be paid for writing it, and my academic work, well, I'd rather have it published than post it on here, although I'm happy to write related things and talk about them here.

And my personal life, well, I want to limit what I say about it here, too, because coming off as a bizarre Christian mystic (while that is me, certainly) is not what this blog was started for. Although the mystic side of my life is pretty interesting these days, I'm not really in the mood to write about what I did all day.

Instead, I'm going to talk about my latest form of exercise. It started when I ran across a music channel on YouTube called "ThePianoGuys." They do really beautiful, interesting instrumental pieces. Out of listening to their music, I suddenly realized that I felt like dancing.

So, I started dancing. I put on a song, and let the music tell me what to do. I may not always be graceful in what is probably a combination of ballet, jazz, and me just making it up, but it is joyful. It is uplifting.

I could not have done this a few years ago. I was not comfortable enough with my body to be willing to just move with the music, to the point that dancing at my sister-in-law's wedding felt acutely embarrassing. It goes further back than that--that was only four years ago. I remember my drama teacher in grade 9 having us listen to music and just move with it, and I was so uncomfortable with this exercise. I couldn't get past the idea of people seeing me move, and me feeling awkward.

And yet, now, the movement sometimes borders on the subconscious (a la Floyd Merrell and his coinage bodymind). I can't always tell you why I chose that movement for that phrase, and yet it works.

I still primarily do this while no one is watching. It's easier to let go and not think about how it looks to someone else, but music is beginning to move me when I'm around people as well. I don't think I'll be dancing in the back of the sanctuary during worship any time soon (although you never know), but I don't feel embarrassed dancing around others anymore.

My husband has described the way I move as "carelessly graceful." Given that I occasionally run into doors and the corners of tables, I'd say careless is probably a good descriptor. He may be a tad biased, so I don't know if "graceful" really works, but I like to think that it does. If I decide I need some dancing time tomorrow (having not had any today), he may change his mind, since I don't know what my dancing looks like to other people.

But these days, I'm at home with me, and me is not just my mind. I'm a good postmodernist, after all, so me is also my body. Movement is meant to be natural. I'm just rediscovering that lately.